Many movies fishing for broadest appeal follow a basic formula: no high concepts, transparent plotlines, and shallow character work with the bonus of mass reliability, a few laughs, and a happy ending – in a word: junk food. Baggage Claim, written and directed by playwright David E. Talbert, is more junk food.

There are many flimsy premises at play here which the audience has to accept if they want to follow the plot at all, however unlikely and thrown together it may be. There are scattered laughs, a love story, and that coveted happy ending, but they are hardly enough to cover up the potholes in both plot  and message. Where Baggage Claim should take a stand, it dithers; where it should be a breath of fresh air, it’s derivative and stale.

 

The plot follows Paula Patton (Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocool, Precious) as Montana Moore, a flight-attendant-cum-Old-Maid who’s unlucky in love and has the luck to be a bridesmaid – again, the movie stresses – for her college sophomore sister’s wedding. Her mother, played by Jenifer Lewis, has been married five times and is ashamed that Mo hasn’t yet gotten hitched or have any prospects, prompting Patton to go on a tour of her exes, a la Hi Fidelity, in order to find a loving, beautiful, and well-endowed man to attend the rehearsal dinner with her.

 

With the help of her flight attendant coworkers Sam (Adam Brody) and Gail (Jill Scott) and a bevy of other supportive employees of Trans Atlantic Airlines where she works, Mo flies back and forth across the United States in order to “bump into” her exes and try them on for size.

 

Montana, played by ever-ebullient Patton, is so innocent and hooked on man-finding, kid-birthing psychobabble that she comes across as more of an archetypical everygirl than a deeper character. As the action unfolds, it’s hard to be sure whether the character was originally intended to be that naive or if the sagging script - which sound like excerpts from "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" - have just made her so. Patton is light and wonderful though, and it makes you wish that her chemistry with her paramours was more tangible rather dealt with in montage or in between cuts. You wish even more that her laughter and her wistfulness had better character definition to fall back onto.

 

The comedy inter-spliced throughout Baggage Claim is either based on barely-explained premises or are one-offs by characters that dot the periphery - a true shame because they’re some of the funnier players in the film. Brody (One Tree Hill) andScott’s odd couple coworkers deliver some well-timed clips and the ensemble of love interests and other coworkers, including especially memorable moments by TSA security checker Cedric, played by Affion Crockett, and one of Montana’s ex-boyfriend’s “crazy” girlfriend, played by Tia Mowry-Hardrict. The good moments these side characters are given are too short and you get the impression that these interludes could have made for a much better movie if given more focus.

 

Talbert, who’s renowned for his plays and has won numerous awards for them, has taken a dive on Baggage Claim – in addition to his earlier film First Sunday - in parroting tropes and “baggage” that the rom-com genre has picked up over the decades. The premise of the movie and all the happy accidents that happen along the way barely stand up to scrutiny, and moments that are even a little tender or funny are quickly ruined by clunky writing. You get the sense that Talbert, who must know better, is trying to cash in on the spate of bridesmaid-related films we’re getting these days without adding anything that isn’t falsely played-out.

 

This disappointing trend continues as the action progresses. Despite each of their single, unforgivable flaws, almost all of Montana’s Exes are now well-to-do, moneyed, and chivalrous in sharing with her - the only one of many to not still interested in her being gay, and only depicted as such in brief montage.

 

As we explore her exes’ flaws in sequence, womanizing and casual racism are given the same weight as cheating in Montana’s book. By the end of the film, Montana has finally found a ringer: an attractive, cultured, moneyed, and world-traveling ex who treats her right. Strangely, the inevitable montage of them on the roof of a hotel is one of the best shots of the film. It doesn’t last though; we’ve known from the first half hour who she was really going to end up, and this is just more aggrandizing possibility before the climax.

 

It’s this transparency and easy telegraphing that makes this film so easy to follow, and given Patton’s bubbly performance and consummate poise, it would almost be excusable if not for the writing. Platitudes about loving yourself and not bending to the pressure of your family or peers in love saturates the tired premise in a way that any viewer of at least a couple romantic comedies knows within the first 15-minutes that they’ve seen this movie before. Even Patton’s competent acting can’t save her from the truisms and inherent hypocrisy of her lines, standing independent and strong just up until the ending matrimonial money shots.

 

With the real-deal chemistry taking place almost entirely off screen, what takes place onscreen is such a saccharine modern fairytale that it’s gag-worthy, complete with champagne, yachts, jacuzzis and rose petals. Patton makes you want to suspend your disbelief, but Talbert’s writing has reached a zero point of romantic comedy clichés that are more than memorable. Not even the hunks this unprecedently well-connected flight attendant has lining up for her can gloss over how sappy and predictable each of their characters are. With no suspense, no sustained laughs, and about as much real romance as a Hallmark card, Baggage Claim is more of the same without having the benefit of a more original story.

 

In quick summation, Baggage Claim offers little new and fewer things memorable or worthwhile. Patton’s charm and the comedy of the supporting cast don’t cover up for the sour writing, tired direction, or clunky plotting. This all brings to mind a prevailing adage for film: “You can’t shoot your way out of a bad script.” Although for some this may be an overlookable offense, this pile of overused clichés is saccharine to the point of inedibility, sending viewers scurrying for meaning. That process is like trying to find vitamins in a Twinkie so I’d advise anyone searching for a satisfying romantic movie to look somewhere else.